CONFESSION TIME

When I face a repeating pattern, although I have the tools to look at it, sit with it, and transform it, sometimes I just let it play out, feel sorry for myself, and angry at life (or my husband🙈).

Does it sound familiar?

Do you find yourself thinking for days, or even weeks on something you can change by devoting half an hour to your favorite practice?

I’ve been aware of a familiar pattern for weeks (months?🙈); a pattern around feeling unseen, worthless, and left behind—especially when cleaning the apartment with my husband.🫠

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

Whenever the unpleasant feelings came up during the cleaning, I told myself, “Yeah, I know where this is coming from, my mother was always like this, and my father was never like that, blah blah blah,” and hoped that it would change the way I felt.

It didn’t.🙃

Because knowing doesn’t help when my space is flooded with energies from the past, and my body is activated by a stress response.

My space needs to be cleared of the inauthentic energies, and my body needs to feel safe in this current moment.

After having spent such a long time pretending like I know nothing about breathwork or energy work, today I decided to carve out some time to journal and breathe.

It would be so nice to end this post by saying, “And I feel amazing since then.” But it’s not what happened.

In fact, the uncomfortable feelings got even more intense, and the looping thoughts more prominent.

But there is something else too—a clarity in the middle of the chaos.

My husband says something, the feelings arise, and as I feel them, I can simultaneously notice what’s mine, what’s relevant, and what’s just energies from other people and times.

I can let go of what’s not mine and stay with what is.

Although I am far from feeling the way I intended to feel, there is more space between what’s happening and me, and I don’t feel trapped by my distorted perception anymore.

This is not a promise that the next time we clean the apartment, I will feel present, free, joyful, and enough. But this is the path that will eventually take me there.

That’s how transformation looks—messy, imperfect, spiralling.

So this is your invitation to take half an hour, fifteen minutes, or even five minutes to do what you know would help you with what your mind has been looping around.

It’s really worth it.😉